i feel the need to write. to let my emotions escape, to be free. but at the smae time i feel nothing... or rather so much at the same time it feels like nothing because i cant decipher what im feeling. im in this state of motionlessness this place where i feel like im falling and ive accepted it. when i say "falling" i dont mean in love and any other meaning than the literal. i feel as if im falling, like off a cliff into a bottomless pit. into a black hole. i feel like doing nothing. even uploading things on DA is so draining. im passionless. the things i love to do i dont feel like doing. i dont want to eat, to bake, to read, to draw, to write, to move. im in a place where even death seems pointless. but there is something i want, the thing im craving. contact, physical contact of any kind, a look, a whisper, a kiss, a hug, anything. i want to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel desired. i dont crave emotion i dont crave talking, i dont feel like speaking anymore. i dont feel like anylsing myself, my feelings. for once i just want to feel. funny though that i have that emotional connection and he couldnt figure this out. and im losing that connection as we speak. why you ask... its because he wont stand up for our friendship, wont stand up for me. he claims he loves me and doesnt want to lose me yet he lets his mother dictate our talking, our texting, our only forms of communication. its comficting because part of me wants to go wher he is more than anything to just spend time with him to be with him; yet part of me wants nothing to do with anyone. part of me just wants to be free. to break all of the things that bind me here, that keep me here. part of me wants to be irresponsible, wants to party, to have fun, to just expericence everything all at once. maybe thats why i feel as if im falling into nothingness, because im conflicted. im falling into responsiblity, into committment... when all i want to do is fly, be free, experience. im a good girl i am and i know its so cliche but part of my wants to be bad... and be so bad. she's begging to be let out, to fly.part of me craves acceptance; the good girl needs to be accepted to be liked. while the bad girl doesnt give a flying rat's ass what anyone thinks, she just wants to have fun, to be let out. she's trying, and getting stronger. ive noticed, she's the one that craves the looks, the comments, the sex... she wants it, all of it she wants to be desired. and recently she's gotten stronger, tries to take control. the shirts have gotten lower cut, thongs have been more frequent, pants tighter, skirts shorter. she's screaming for attention. she's pleased at the looks down her shirt. she smiles at the comments about her chest, yet the good girl comments negatively. and then i go back to falling. like now, i feel her trying to come out, i know i must sound crazy and well maybe i am. but its this weird sensation. i just feel sexy and sexual and crave someone's touch anyones touch just to relive the pent up... everything. yet at the same time im rationalizing every feeling im over thinking it all even though i just want to feel. the good side takes over and i calm down but feel empty. like im missing something. and i go back to falling. i go back to the black pit and just fall. its freeing in a way but its not what i crave.....