you want me to leave, or you said you did, you told me you hate me, had you said these things to me a few months before i would have did exactly what you said i would have left. but im different now better i guess im not leaving. im going to fight for you im going to wait for you. i cant leave the only person i love the person that i'd give my life for. im not going to just roll over not when i think you still love me. your hurt right now mad at me for something that isnt my fault something that meant nothing to me while you are my worl dmy everything my breath. i love you and only you and i'll do anything but leave. i want that stupid goofy dorky life you promised all those months ago. i want what you offered me over the phone at 2 am that one day. i want the kiss we shared the first day together, i want that over and over again. i want the the wedding... no i just want to see you standing there waiting for me to come down the aisle nothing else but you saying i do matters. i want all the stupid stuff we used to write about... all of it, everything. most of all i want you just you none of the other things matter if i have you. i dont think you've ever really believed me when i said those three simple words, but if it takes till the day i die i'll get you to believe them. I Love You, do you hear me? i love you with every breath every fiber my entire being. i love you only you and i will wait as long as it takes to get you back. i will wait on Thames street always and forever, just like we said. i love you... maybe if i say it enough you'll believe it. you are my heart my soul everything that i am is you.... i love you, i hope you still love me too......

i feel the need to write. to let my emotions escape, to be free. but at the smae time i feel nothing... or rather so much at the same time it feels like nothing because i cant decipher what im feeling. im in this state of motionlessness this place where i feel like im falling and ive accepted it. when i say "falling" i dont mean in love and any other meaning than the literal. i feel as if im falling, like off a cliff into a bottomless pit. into a black hole. i feel like doing nothing. even uploading things on DA is so draining. im passionless. the things i love to do i dont feel like doing. i dont want to eat, to bake, to read, to draw, to write, to move. im in a place where even death seems pointless. but there is something i want, the thing im craving. contact, physical contact of any kind, a look, a whisper, a kiss, a hug, anything. i want to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel desired. i dont crave emotion i dont crave talking, i dont feel like speaking anymore. i dont feel like anylsing myself, my feelings. for once i just want to feel. funny though that i have that emotional connection and he couldnt figure this out. and im losing that connection as we speak. why you ask... its because he wont stand up for our friendship, wont stand up for me. he claims he loves me and doesnt want to lose me yet he lets his mother dictate our talking, our texting, our only forms of communication. its comficting because part of me wants to go wher he is more than anything to just spend time with him to be with him; yet part of me wants nothing to do with anyone. part of me just wants to be free. to break all of the things that bind me here, that keep me here. part of me wants to be irresponsible, wants to party, to have fun, to just expericence everything all at once. maybe thats why i feel as if im falling into nothingness, because im conflicted. im falling into responsiblity, into committment... when all i want to do is fly, be free, experience. im a good girl i am and i know its so cliche but part of my wants to be bad... and be so bad. she's begging to be let out, to fly.part of me craves acceptance; the good girl needs to be accepted to be liked. while the bad girl doesnt give a flying rat's ass what anyone thinks, she just wants to have fun, to be let out. she's trying, and getting stronger. ive noticed, she's the one that craves the looks, the comments, the sex... she wants it, all of it she wants to be desired. and recently she's gotten stronger, tries to take control. the shirts have gotten lower cut, thongs have been more frequent, pants tighter, skirts shorter. she's screaming for attention. she's pleased at the looks down her shirt. she smiles at the comments about her chest, yet the good girl comments negatively. and then i go back to falling. like now, i feel her trying to come out, i know i must sound crazy and well maybe i am. but its this weird sensation. i just feel sexy and sexual and crave someone's touch anyones touch just to relive the pent up... everything. yet at the same time im rationalizing every feeling im over thinking it all even though i just want to feel. the good side takes over and i calm down but feel empty. like im missing something. and i go back to falling. i go back to the black pit and just fall. its freeing in a way but its not what i crave.....

more uploads to come just ran out of time tonight so i got more photos and things caoi for now

rejection one word so many feelings. you think i wouldnt care that id be used to it that it wouldnt be something new to me that it wouldnt surprise me yet it does. i mean i didnt even ask seriously like it was just as a friend which honestly i think makes it worse. its like he doesnt even like me as a friend. this is why i never ask guys anything because then i get answers i dont want. i honestly dont understand why being rejected in anyway fucks me so bad... actually thats not true.
its because of shawn, because of jeff, and when i wanted him back he rejected me too. im used to be rejected yet it hurts more than when other people go through it. god im fucked up

looking for someone to design a tattoo for me... i dont really have any ideas so it would be your choice. if any one knows someone who you think would be good at this send them here please? lol i want it either on my shoulder or my hip if that helps lol thankx a bunch